I’m doing a smoothie cleanse to combat Meniere’s disease…and because I was fat shamed by my gaming system

I’m a lifelong and incurable bookworm. Mostly, that translates to me reading lots of fiction (currently Lucy Foley’s The Guest List), with the occasion memoir or a crackerjack story from history (ie: Devil in the White City) thrown in. But every now and again, when something affects me deeply and personally, I use my bookworm superpowers for good and turn to research. So when my once-annual few hours of vertigo evolved into chronic bouts that lasted for days at a time, and my doctor recommended I get tested for Meniere’s Disease, a rare — and also incurable — disorder of the inner ear, I threw myself into the subject.

That’s how I stumbled upon Meniere Man, and his lifestyle changes that resulted in his living without symptoms for 15 years and counting. But I’ll get into that on another day…I’m thinking readers really just want to hear about my rudely sizeist gaming system.

By following the bookish breadcrumbs of Meniere Man’s dietary changes, I happened upon J.J. Smith’s 10-Day Green Smoothie Detox. In 10 days I could rid my body of toxins and flood it with enough nutrients to stop my inner ear world from spinning. I’d even lose a few pounds in the process. Great! I thought. I’m in!

I decided that if I’m going do this, I want to know exactly where I stand now. Descending the basement stairs to my kids’ game room, I take out the balance board that goes with their old Wii gaming system. I start up the TV, and start building my fitness log in profile.

Hey, neat! I can design my own likeness (they call it a “Mii” — clever!), set a goal and weigh in daily. OK. This could be kinda fun. I’m getting excited.

Ready! says the WiiFit. Step on! I step onto the balance board.

Ohhh! it squeaks.

Really? What, am I hurting you, WiiFit? Am I, with my extra baggage, actually hurting you? Smartass programmers.

Measuring…measuring…measuring…all done! it chirps.

Upbeat Muzak plays as the program shows me my left/right weight distribution (slightly favoring the right) and balance. Then I watch as my Mii appears on the screen. Awww, look! I’m not crazy about the blue eyeshadow, but she’s so cute!

Suddenly, the blue “Current” line starts moving up. Rapidly. Through the blue zone, the yellow zone, the pink zone and landing deep into the red zone. Meanwhile, my Mii starts spinning around like a top and then with a poof! and some very fat-sounding honks from a tuba, I see this:

Yes, that’s my Mii looking down at herself like “WTF! I was skinny just a few seconds ago!” She even scratches her head in amazement at how I could have let us both go like this.

That’s obese! squeaks WiiFit.

Are they serious? What’s with the digital humiliation? I can see the programmers now, sitting around a table in a windowless room with crumpled bags of Doritos and empty cans of Red Bull: “Oh! Oh! I’ve got it. We should totally have tuba music if they’re fat!”

I bet XBox and Playstation don’t mock their owners.

Over the next ten days I’ll be working, overseeing homework, shuttling my kids to and from their activities, washing my hands, wearing a mask, tuning in on Election night, and powering my way through pint glasses filled with ground vegetables, fruits, flaxseed, and water.

And on Day 11, I get tested for Meniere’s.